February is a month heavily associated with romantic love. It is also heavily commercialised. Anywhere you turn you can see pink hearts, red roses, yummy chocolates, and full and overpriced restaurants in which couples celebrate their love. What is it all about? Is it about true love? And what actually is true love? Certainly, not a box of chocolates or a bunch of roses!
Although this article is mostly for single ladies I would like to bring it to the attention of women in relationships too as the message is very universal and can be applied to your life whether you are single, married or widowed.
As a love and happiness coach I work with many single ladies and I know their pains and sorrows. Some of them are not happy with being single. I know that for many of them Valentine’s Day is uncomfortable and they are apprehensive about it. The day triggers difficult emotions as it reminds them of being lonely and unloved. And being lonely on Valentine’s Day sucks and many of them would rather avoid it.
You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection – Buddha
As a migrant woman it might be even tougher on you. Not only are you in a more vulnerable position because of the language barrier but also because you are away from your family and friends, which means that you feel even lonelier if you are single. All the support and love you receive from family and friends is gone. I felt this way when I arrived here fifteen years ago and couldn’t speak the language and had no one to turn to when life got hard.
There are so many misconceptions and misleading beliefs around the subject. We crave it, want it and idealise it.
All these emotions come from the societal conditioning. There is so much pressure imposed upon society about the idealistic idea of romantic love and romantic relationships. There are so many misconceptions and misleading beliefs around the subject. We crave it, want it and idealise it. We were made to believe we need it to be complete and we think that life will be easier with our other half (really? always?). It goes even further than this. We judge our worth based on whether we are in a successful relationship or not.
Maybe London is more liberal but in many other areas and countries being single is still frowned upon. By a certain age many single women feel unworthy and as if they haven’t made it in life, only because they don’t have a wedding ring on their finger. We establish our status based on the same criteria. We want someone to support us, love us, need us and make us happy. We want someone to make our life more interesting, more fun, and more exciting because we think we are incapable of living a happy and fulfilled life on our own. We look for fulfillment, love, and approval from the outside, as this is what we have been taught. It is one thing to desire to connect with another human being which is natural and something else to feel incomplete and looking to fill the gap in your life.
Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror – Byron Katie
The truth is that you need to fill the gap yourself. You can’t get it from the outside what you need to give yourself. The love, happiness, approval and fulfilment you are looking for need to be found from within. It is not your man’s job to provide you with it. We need to take responsibility for our own happiness. This is the first important step towards a healthy romantic relationship. Only as a happy and emotionally healthy person you can attract another happy and emotionally healthy person. We are enough and complete as we are; we don’t need anybody else to make us feel more complete or happy.
We just need to love who we are more and this is the bit which saddens me. So many women don’t even know how to love themselves. We are fast to love others, give to our kids, nurture our men but we so often ignore ourselves and our own needs. We are full of love which we can give to ourselves and others. Our primary obligation towards ourselves is to love oneself first. Otherwise it is a self-betrayal.
Valentine’s Day is just a commercial feast and in all this commercial craziness we lose the meaning of true love. We forget that love is always present and that it is the most powerful force in life. Most of all, we need to always remember that we can and should give it to ourselves first, whether we are single or in a relationship. As everything comes from within, so does love, which emerges from inside each of us.
I have come to a place where I discovered that self-love is the most important love in life. Any other loving relationship is just an extension of the ability to love oneself. The more you love yourself the more you can love others. Without knowing the taste of self-love, we will never be able to love others or appreciate the love we receive.
Valentine’s Day is just a commercial feast and in all this commercial craziness we lose the meaning of true love. We forget that love is always present and that it is the most powerful force in life.
If you happen to be single on Valentine’s Day use the space to celebrate self-love. Feel it and be it. You are love, you are lovable and you are capable of love! Always! It doesn’t matter if you are single or married – love is in you and it is always present. Reconnect with the source of love within you.
I want to encourage you to ask yourself this question daily: How can I love myself more today? Not just on Valentine’s Day. Self-love requires commitment and time like any other love, so start your life-long affair with yourself today! See where this question takes you and what changes it brings to your life.
Who is Aska?
Aska Kolton is a Love & Happiness coach who helps single women who struggle with finding the right guy, to get ready for love. Her personal journey has taken her through 110 online dates, 7 years of singledom and one relationship detox to an amazing relationship. Aska guides her clients within so that they reconnect with their inner happiness and show up authentically and confidently in dating. Then they are in the best position to attract the right man by letting their inner beauty shine.